Tacit chaos

I am easily distracted. Perhaps more so now than in the past. Now that things feel a bit different, now that the world is louder.

I am a mess. I am all over the place. I am easily distracted.

There are those two sides to me. The one that loves order, structure and routine. The one that is prepared and methodical. The one that finds safety in knowing what is going to happen and where things are.

That voice that always tells me that I am in the wrong place, that I am late even though I’m early. That voice that tells me that if only I was a bit more organized then I’d be fine and I’d have the thing I need but don’t.

That voice and side comes from the chaos.

The chaos of lost objects that I leave behind me like a trail of breadcrumbs. I can mark my life through objects I misplaced that I really really wish I had not. Objects that I needed but that were not with me. The daily struggle to leave my home with the various things I require to be prepared and comfortable and okay.

It feels like there is something wrong with me, like it shouldn’t be that hard. That for all these attempts at order I should be able to get it together.

There are piles of post-its on my desk. In at least four different colours and sizes. I keep reaching for new ones and they get scattered. If only I could heard them into a neat pile, if only I could return them to where they are meant to be so I can find them when I need them.

I am attempting something that I have never succeeded at before this semester. I have one class and I want all of my notes in one notebook/sketchbook. Just one. So far I am not keeping up with this goal. On the day of our second class I departed without my notebook. To be fair I had a dentist appointment and was busy worrying about that and whether or not I’d manage to get through it without losing consciousness and it was distracting. Before the third class I wrestled with the piles of things and the various places I may have stashed either notebook. Eventually I found one in the clothes I’ve been meaning to hang up and had set aside.

I wonder why it is so hard for me to do this thing. To simply know where a notebook is and to have it with me for three hours twice a week. Why can’t I do this?

Having studied at two SALAs now I am getting better at embracing the chaos. At letting it go when I am foolish and forget to bring my readings to seminar even though they were nicely placed near my chair by the door so I’d remember to bring them. At not beating myself up when everyone else seems to be able to bring the few basic necessities their life requires with them and I do not. I keep telling myself to embrace the chaos and to go with the flow.

Still it’s nice when I reach into my bag and find my headphones are in there, as they ought to be and that I get to listen to podcasts or escape from the world if the noise is too much instead of having to deal and try not to be annoyed with myself and the world as I sit in the non-silence of the bus and wish I could be doing what I wanted to be.