mental health

A point

Me whenever I have an appointment:

I’m going to miss it, mess up, show up at the wrong time, be late.

I have one this afternoon and you can bet that I’m repeatedly checking the confirmation reminder with a lack of my belief in my capacity to appear in the right place at the specified time.

This is why I am always so early.

Taking a lesson

When I signed up for kayaking lessons I had this vision in my head of it being the greatest thing ever and me being super hard core and pro at it.

It turned out that I don’t know if kayaking is my jam. For one I don’t trust my right arm enough. For two with the nerve damage in my thumb (old fencing injury) I’m not sure I can actually put on a spray skirt.

My instinct when a kayak tips over is to do nothing. The feeling of sitting there in the water attached to something doing nothing is scary. Eventually I pop out but it doesn’t make me feel confident or safe. It makes me feel trapped.

Instead, I’ve been wanting to try stand up paddle boarding. I’ve signed up for a lesson and I’m gonna see how it goes. This time instead of making plans to be the most hardcore SUPer ever I am telling myself that I’m gonna take a lesson and try it, see if I like it.

That’s one of the great things about therapy. I can take these thought patterns that cause problems, notice them and walk them back. Be like hey chill out dude, it’s totally possible to take one lesson and try something instead of making grandiose and intense plans about how it’s going to be my thing.

It’s a new thing. I am trying it. Little things, small steps. Moderation.